Happy Post-Divorce? Yes. Here’s How

By Sarah Jio

In 2014, shortly after my divorce, I wrote an article for Glamour about what it felt like to go through the end of a marriage. To my surprise (no, total shock), it became the most-read article on Glamour.com that month and was picked up by several news sites, including Yahoo.com, where it landed on the main page. Suddenly, millions of strangers were reading the most personal piece I’d ever written. For a hot second, I was like, “Good Lord, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!”

In the weeks that followed, I received dozens of Facebook and Twitter messages, along with emails from women (and men) in the throes of separation and legal drama with exes, many of whom were asking me the same questions: “Will I get through this in one piece?” (Yes!) “Will I ever trust again?” (Of course, you will!) “Will this ruin my kids’ lives?” (Um, I don’t think so! But I can’t say for sure!) But the question that resonated with me most was: “Will I ever be happy, truly happy, again?”

Long pause.

That one always stopped me dead in my tracks. Here why: I had no idea. I hadn’t trudged through it all long enough to know for certain.

Six years later, however, I finally have the perspective to answer that question, and I’m happy to tell you the answer is: yes. My beleaguered heart traveled the distance (forgive me for sounding melodramatic, but I promise you, beleaguered is the only word for the job here). It was a long journey—and, at many times, honestly, a super crappy one—but I came out the other end happier than ever and truly at peace with my life.

With all that said (I’m fast-forwarding to the end here), here are my best tips for anyone who finds herself reeling from the end of a marriage, or just a super long relationship, and is hurtin’ like hell. This is your pep talk (or, maybe kick in the pants):

1. Show yourself grace. Divorce and separation have a way of throwing a wrench in every aspect of your life (especially in the beginning). Some people lose weight (me!), experience hair loss (me!), or face other debilitating physical symptoms (I know someone who lost his voice for an entire year after his wife left him). And then there are the financial and social tolls (both suck), and the call you might get from your mother, or mother-in-law, about how your separation has completely ruined the photo she chose for her Christmas card this year (eye-roll). In all of it, friends, you must, must, must show yourself grace. Should a person battling cancer beat themselves up about their messy house? No way. Nor should someone grieving from a death in the family feel bad about missing the PTA meeting. Right? Divorce is as painful and destructive and grievous as illness and death, but for some reason, so few people give themselves the self-care they need when going through it. As a divorcee, allow me to give you permission to rest, let the dishes pile up in the sink now and then, and feel okay about ditching perfectionism (and the volunteer job you signed up for at your daughter’s school that you don’t have time for anyway).

2. Own your story. Shame and fear are common emotions divorcees to feel, and I can speak to that from personal experience. I know this may sound ridiculous (and it does to me now), but after I took my wedding ring off, I was obsessed with keeping my hand tucked away in my jacket pocket so the other married (and seemingly blissfully happy) moms at school pick up wouldn’t see my bare ring finger. For too long, I felt ashamed of my divorcee status, as if I had a scarlet letter D branded to my forehead. If only I realized how unnecessary those emotions were. In fact, as soon as I found the courage to banish my shame and open up honestly about own my story, I became flooded with peace. “Hi, I’m Sarah, and I’m divorced.” As hard as it was to utter those words back in the day, it slowly got easier. And the best part? Others started opening up to me, too, about their own life struggles—marital or otherwise. Ultimately, one of the most valuable steps in my post-divorce journey was to simply, and unapologetically, be myself.

3. Use this time to make improvements. Think of this moment in your life as a personal remodel. Maybe you’ve always wanted to take piano lessons or join a French language conversation group; or your ex, who hated to dance, blew off your idea to join a hip-hop dance class, so now’s your time to dance. Take the opportunity to improve and enrich every aspect of your life—from your health and beauty routines to inspiring experiences. Heck, you don’t have anyone to tell you no! My “remodel” included lots of yoga, stacks of books on health and nutrition, a sassy new haircut, sailing lessons (don’t ask), and a trip to the dermatologist and spa for facials and anti-aging help—and I don’t regret any of it! Confession: I probably didn’t need to buy all those serums, but whatever.

4. Out with the old. Even if you don’t have the financial wherewithal to move to a new home or remodel your current one, consider small changes that can help you reclaim your space after your ex moves out. It might not be a whole-house Marie Kondo-style overhaul, but you might part with wedding photos or the letters the one-time-love-of-your-life wrote you, in happier times. The same goes for your partner’s favorite chair and/or the blanket his grandmother knitted for you. Toss it or get it out of sight. Relics from a past life have a way of holding us back from the next. I’m telling you, sisters, fresh changes—whether new throw pillows for the couch or investing in that luxe bed you’ve always wanted, can help propel you forward.

5. Don’t try to fast-forward your life. Over the years, I’ve heard from many new divorcees—both friends and strangers whose marriages have crumbled. All seem to be in search of the “secret” to finding happiness again—quickly! While I don’t blame them for wanting to fast-forward through the yucky stuff, sadly, there’s no way to avoid it. When you’ve just left their partner, or inked divorce papers, or worked out a parenting plan for the kids, you may feel an all-encompassing need to race to a.) find a new partner, b.) get your home/financial/social/emotional issues sorted and, c.) get back to your old, happy self. I was there, too, and I wanted all of that STAT. I longed for a magic wand, or fast-forward button, that would make things instantly good again. What I learned, however, is that good things take time. It’s tough advice to swallow, but it will comfort you in the long haul. Good things really do take time. You might have to sludge through some dark stuff, kiss a few frogs, lick your wounds, learn your lessons, even make a few mistakes, before you reach the happy second chapter you want so badly.

I promise the journey is worth it.

_______

 

Sarah Jio is a journalist and New York Times bestselling author of ten novels. Her latest release from Random House (Ballantine) is All the Flowers in Paris. (Please link to: www.sarahjio.com and my Instagram:www.instagram.com/sarahjio)